Drinkin’ Time
November 3, 2008 • By Michael Larrick, The Breeze
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[Michael Larrick is The Breeze’s humor columnist. This work is satirical, and neither he nor The Breeze actually advocates doing anything described below.]
Tomorrow is the big day. After months and months of mudslinging, smear campaigns and some issue debate, the actual election is finally here. The American people are finally going to be able to voice their opinion and vote so that the Electoral College can vote on who they believe would be the best fit to lead our nation. We should all be glad to be a part of this special time in America. When the last vote is counted, some people will be celebrating and others will be wondering how we could put such a person in the White House. But, I, as a responsible American, will be looking at this election as an opportunity to get completely hammered.
As an average college student, I am always looking for an excuse to get so drunk that I lose the majority of my basic motor skills. This election is just what the doctor ordered. I’m not going to say who I’m voting for, because that would be wrong; just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean you should vote for whom I’m voting for, and I don’t want to skew the opinions of those who believe I am a torrent of wisdom and force them to change their vote. I will save you the confusion. You don’t have to thank me now — an Almond Joy would be nice, though.
As you already know, alcohol solves the majority of problems, so let’s look at Nov. 4 as the perfect occasion to reap the benefits of the wonder that is alcohol. Whether your candidate wins or loses, you have the right as an American to get as a drunk as your liver will allow:
Obama Supporters
Let’s say you’re voting for Obama and he wins: A celebratory 25 beers is in order. That may sound like “too many” beers, but I believe in you! Be a champion and finish your case and ask someone for one more. Yes, you can! And if he loses, you can take those same 25 beers, drink 10 more and completely numb the agony of defeat and throw up all of the bad thoughts!
McCain Supporters
Let’s say you’re voting for McCain and he loses. Bummer, right? Just apply the lessons learned in my Obama drinking tutorial and you’ll be set. And if he wins and doesn’t die from shock? Yay, drinks are on you! I’ve already invented a drink called the Maverick for such an occasion. You just take four shots of Aristocrat, five Natural Lights, a Dragon Joose, some Franzia, put it in a bucket and drink it as fast you can until you reach the level of inebriation that allows you to believe it is actually possible that unicorns exist in remote areas of Taiwan. It really has no relevance to the word “maverick,” but it gets the job done.
And if you don’t know whom you’re going to vote for, just drink a fifth of Jose Cuervo, go to the polls and see what happens.
That’s what Nader is for.
Michael Larrick is a junior media arts & design major and a comedian.
Contact Michael Larrick at larricmh@jmu.edu
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LOL This is just, hilarious