2009: What’s In

January 15, 2009 • By Michael Larrick, The Breeze
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The American economy is in shambles, and there are real pirates hijacking supertankers. We’ve got a new president, and the girl I have a crush on wants to bang vampires. Here’s my guide to what’s in and what’s out in 2009.

OUT: VAMPIRES WHO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT
IN: VAMPIRES YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH
Life is funny sometimes. To think it was just a year ago that I was sitting in my therapist’s office listening to her tell me how it was “unhealthy” and “extremely alarming” that I was solely attracted to vampires. They can live forever! How is that not sexy?

There was always a small group of people — who usually shopped at Hot Topic — who shared my taste for the pale and immortal, but now it’s actually cool to want to spoon with these fictional beings. With the tandem success of the “Twilight” books and film, a large amount of girls are finally seeing things my way. Even people without bondage pants may find themselves pinning up pictures of the Count on their walls. Who’s “severely disturbed” now, doctor?

OUT: ANY SENSE OF DIGNITY
IN: VH1
I used to think of VH1 as a classier MTV that actually played music occasionally, but that belief flew out the window with the rise of programs such as “Rock of Love Bus” with Bret Michaels. This third installment of the “Rock of Love” series finds the esteemed Mr. Michaels deciding that he will obviously find true love if he brings all these insane women on tour with him. The VH1 CEO has no soul, and I love it. I haven’t seen such entertaining television in years.

What? You’re better than me because you don’t watch “Real Chance of Love”? Well, it’s awesome, and the new “Tool Academy” is even better, so you can kiss my ass. VH1’s slogan should be “We don’t give a s***.”

OUT: “PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN” + RUM
IN: SOMALI PIRATES + RANSOM
I used to be like you. Pirates are cool, I used to think to myself, under the assumption that they didn’t exist and that they were always looking for buried treasure, spoke in a badass prose and had an irrational fear of clocks (If you don’t get this, that means you’ve never seen “Hook,” and that means I hate you.) We all saw the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies, and Johnny Depp was SO-SO-SO HOT OMG.

But there’s nothing cute about a Somali pirate putting an AK-47 in your face. Somali pirates made about $30 million in ransoms last year, so maybe piracy should be a part of our own economic stimulus plan. They’re even killing each other. Five of said pirates drowned squabbling over how to split a ransom they received, because apparently dividing it by five was too complicated without the help of a T-9 calculator.

OUT: OBAMAMANIA
IN: REMEMBERING YOU DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT POLITICS
During Obama’s campaign for president, everyone suddenly cared about politics. “Essence” and “Ebony” magazines have now both mysteriously decided to add White House reporters because I guess caring about what goes on in your country is cool now.

This is great and all, but he hasn’t even been inaugurated yet, so maybe your sequined “Obama” shirt is a little much. What if he’s actually one of those animatronic puppets? You’re going to feel so stupid! Having the ability to put together a sentence properly does not make someone a good president. On that note, it will be nice not to hear other countries bitch about how much they hate Bush, that’s for sure. I will miss Bush though. He was hilarious.

OUT: THE AIM AWAY MESSAGE
IN: THE FACEBOOK STATUS
What are you, in the eighth grade? The days of AIM have passed, my friend. No more printing out conversations you had with your friend and showing it to the person they trash-talked for five lines of text. It’s all about Facebook now. It amazes me that people still have a hard time realizing the word “is” is already included in the Facebook status. They even made it removable, and people still can’t figure it out.

I’m glad, though, everyone is letting me know how they feel every second of every day or just putting up a so someone can comment asking “awww what’s wrong??” I’m also glad people are utilizing this feature for posting important information like, “Kelly is is soo happy to be back at JMU with her loves!”

OUT: ENERGY DRINKS
IN: ENERGY DRINKS THAT GET YOU DRUNK
It’s 2009, people. I don’t have time to be drinking beverages that don’t have alcohol in them. They’ve finally created an alcoholic beverage that gives you the stamina to make horrible decisions without all that pesky passing-out business. There have been rumblings of the discontinuation of alcoholic energy drinks because they’re “damaging to your heart,” which I predict will incite mass riots. (And when I say predict, I mean I am going to start them.)

But if there is a God, he likes to start every night of drinking off with a Joose.

Michael Larrick is a junior media arts & design major and a comedian and is The Breeze’s humor columnist.

Contact Michael Larrick at larricmh@jmu.edu

[Update: This article was edited at 1:26 a.m. on Wednesday, Jan. 21 to correctly format the frown-emoticon.]

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Comments

6 Responses to “2009: What’s In”

Kate on January 15th, 2009 2:25 pm

Good job Mikey, I lol’d in the library to this one.
Jamie on January 15th, 2009 8:58 pm

Hilarious! I sent it to my parents. Iove the pirate on and the aim/facebook thing.
Daniela on January 16th, 2009 10:29 am

this was more pessimistic than usual. but don’t worry, you still got the funny going on! keep sending me these while i’m abroad; it makes me feel closer to JMU, haha.
K. Douglas on January 16th, 2009 7:00 pm

This guy is great, keep up the good work Mr. Larrick.
Phil on January 19th, 2009 5:48 pm

Dude, this is beyond funny. It’s sad to say, but every word you said is true! Kudos!
Kalani on February 17th, 2009 12:12 am

OUT: Toga Parties
IN: Snuggie Parties

……think about it .