Not Another College Party
January 26, 2009 • By Michael Larrick, The Breeze
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I’m having a party and you’re all invited. It’s going to be the jammer of the century. I hope you’re as pumped as I am.
We got a bunch of kegs and we’re making some punch that has an obscene amount of alcohol in it but will be concealed with delicious juices. It’s totally not dangerous at all. We’re calling it “Ocean Potion.”
If you’re going to have a good party, you’re going to have to make a Facebook event. It’s simple math. It’s going to be called “Michael’s Bash Rager Blackout Ball.” It will start at 10:00 p.m. and will end at “?” That’s right, “?” That’s how I do it. Who knows when it’s going end? I’m thinking 2 a.m. or so, though. Realistically speaking, a party after 2 a.m. looks like a scene out of a zombie movie.
Make sure you come out to the pregame before my party. It’s at my friend’s house. We lived in the dorms together; he’s a cool guy. His girlfriend is in a sorority and some of her sorority friends will be there, and they will definitely not be interested in us at all. Before that, I’m going to a pre-pregame in Hunters Ridge after I’ve pre-pre-pregamed at Festival. Wait, that’s called dinner, right?
I’ve invited everyone I’m Facebook friends with. You’re going to get your invitation and feel special, until you realize I’ve invited 856 people and that you mean nothing to me. I put some awesome pictures in there too. They’re either of us drinking or completely passed out. People are going to see these pictures and say, “Hey, these guys can drink! I’m SO there!”
Who wants to have a comfortably sized party with people you know? I want to jam as many strangers as possible into my crappy apartment, so it will take you 30 minutes to get a drink and moving around will be virtually impossible. I’d like to have about a 3:7 friend-to-random ratio, the obvious formula for success. That’s what I call a JMU party.
My roommates and I went to Spencer’s and bought some pretty sweet posters. We’re going to look so cool. If I’m going to buy a poster, it has to have something to do with drinking or hot chicks. I am not a jerk at all. You see this one? It has a hot girl drinking. Boom.
There will be a good amount of dancing going on. Well, not dancing, really — more like dry humping set to music. I made a pretty spectacular playlist. “Don’t Stop Believing” is on there eight times, and I expect multiple sing-alongs. Don’t you love that song? It really brings me back to the time when I was… -6 years old.
My playlist has something for everyone: some throwback ’90s songs and definitely some songs off Kanye’s new album. (“Oh no he didn’t! I haven’t heard ‘No Diggity’ in a long time! This video has a puppet in it, right?”)
If you touch my iPod, we’re going to have serious problems. DJ Mmmlicious is rockin’ this jam all night, son!
Talking to the opposite sex is tough, I know. But dancing is a good way to hook up with people without having to talk to them at all. We got a black light too, so you won’t even have to be attractive to hook up. Extremely dark surroundings will bump a “4” up to an “8” instantly! (Man, are you going to be ashamed of yourself tomorrow!)
Should it be a themed party? I think it’s going to be a themed party. I don’t really care about what exactly the theme is; I just want the guys to be wearing as much as possible while the girls are wearing as little as possible. Whatever the guys are dressed as will have to rhyme with some derogatory term for women, that’s a “gimme.” Additionally, everyone will be forced to stay at my party — if you go anywhere else, you’re going to look like an idiot. It’s a win-win for everyone.
I hope to see you there or we are no longer friends. I probably won’t remember talking to you, and I might try to kiss you, but it would mean a lot to me.
Michael Larrick is a junior media arts & design major and a comedian.
Contact Michael Larrick at larricmh@jmu.edu
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beautiful
This is utterly offense, bra. You should just chill bra, chill. My party’s rock, bro. FACE!!!
haha dude you just called out the whole school
haha. so pathetic, and true
haha. pathetic, but true
Your party was absolutely incredible. I spent the whole time crowded in the back corner where it was 105 degrees, sweaty and smelled terrible. It took 20 minutes to get to the keg, I lost my NorthFace jacket somewhere (have you seen it?), but it was an awesome party.
I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to go see a movie or have a small party with 20 people that only they know. That’s retarded.
This facebook event has over 150 guests! Let’s go in a group of like 6, stand amongst all of these really cool guests from the event page, and talk only to people within the group we came with! It’s gonna be a RAGER.