UREC Revealed: The Seedy Under-Belly of Working Out at JMU
February 23, 2009 • By Michael Larrick, The Breeze
Print This Post
Email This Post
Hello, everyone! I’d like to welcome you to our beautiful campus! On behalf of JMU, I’d like to thank you all for considering attending this university. My name is Michael Larrick; I’m going to be your tour guide this afternoon. As you can see, I’ve mastered walking backward AND talking at the same. I lost consciousness my first few attempts, so I’m feeling pretty good about myself. I’ve been here for almost three years and plan to squeeze in five to seven more before I enter the real world and the responsibilities that come with adulthood and before the harsh truths of reality slowly eat away at my will to live!
We’re going to start off today’s tour with the student recreational facility, UREC, a place where students go to improve their health after poisoning their livers and lungs all weekend and eating terrible foods, even though JMU offers a ton of healthy alternatives. It’s also a safe haven for over-exercisers, who have no personality and have decided to supplement their apparent shortcomings with a nice bod.
Before we enter, I would like you to take a look to my right. You will notice a cigarette receptacle, which is in no way ridiculous. I know the first thing I do before or after I run two miles is chain smoke in front of the building!
The first thing I would like you all to check out is the wonderful new, high-tech turnstiles UREC recently installed. Before these automatic ones were installed, there were unforgiving, crotch-level metal poles denying you entrance. If you weren’t paying attention and didn’t swipe your card properly, your chances of reproducing in the future were significantly decreased.
As we enter, I would like you to notice the magnificent rock climbing wall. To be honest, I have yet to climb it, because I don’t want to embarrass myself in the middle of the facility for everyone to see. I’m sure it’s tons of fun, though! I usually get a lot of questions about how one could get a job running the rock climbing wall, but I must warn you, there are a few requirements. You’re going to have to be a little bit of a hippie, grow a beard and pick up some cargo pants. I know, I didn’t think they still made cargo pants either, but apparently if you walk into an Old Navy, they still have some pairs left from when I was in elementary school.
If you walk to the back of the lobby, there are locker rooms where you can get suited up for your workout. Don’t worry, guys, this is just like every other locker room; there will inevitably be a bunch of older naked men walking around like it’s not a big deal. Evidentially, being comfortable with your own nudity means everyone else has to be as well. You would think these guys would throw on a towel if they’re going to the bathroom or shaving, but you’d be wrong. And the best part is that they might be one of your professors, so you can have a conversation with them!
Downstairs is the free-weight section, where there are a serious amount of dudes and a couple of intimidating girls. You’re going to see a lot of cut-off shirts, tribal tattoos and playlists that have a good deal of Linkin Park on them. You will get on a machine here and think to yourself, “Hey! It’s my turn now!” Nope. Within seconds, some guy will come up to you and ask you how many sets you have left or if he can “work in, bro.”
Let’s take a walk upstairs, where there are SO MANY HOT GIRLS, OH MY GOD. My boss tells me I’m supposed to tell you there are machines and stuff up here, but that’s not important. This portion of the tour is for the guys, so let me give you some tips. If you’re going to come up here, at least pretend like you’re working out. Don’t wear jeans, maybe pretend to stretch, check the scores on ESPN… mess with your iPod a little. Speaking from experience, I wouldn’t take a lawn chair up there. Like my parole officer always says, it’s “obvious” and “perverted.”
All right everyone, next on the tour, we will be heading toward the Quad, where apparently people go to these things called classes, where they “learn” so they can “prepare” themselves for the future. I actually haven’t been there in a while, so this should be interesting…
Contact Michael Larrick at larricmh@jmu.edu
Comments
4 Responses to “UREC Revealed: The Seedy Under-Belly of Working Out at JMU”
Got something to say?
Check Out New Videos!
March 4, 2010 Issue in Print
2010 Baseball & Softball Guide
I laughed when I saw this because it is so true. I used to go to UREC to workout but it was always really frustrating because I always seemed to go at just the right time when I had to wait forever for a cardio machine. Now, I don’t find myself to be one of those “intimidating girls” just one who wants to stay toned and when I have attempted to use the weights downstairs I couldn’t do anything without being stared at by the guys with the tribal tattoos in their cut-off shirts listening to Linkin Parkish music real loud on their I-pods who make loud funny noises when they lift weights.
I think UREC was a great idea and was built with good intentions but because people don’t know proper workout/gym etiquette the weight area has turned into a place with creepers who gawk and the cardio room is filled with girls who look like they need to go eat a steak. I know not everyone who goes to UREC fits this description but out of everyone I have talked to who find alternate ways to stay fit these are precisely the reasons why they no longer workout there.
Wait….whats wrong with cargo shorts?
you are amazing.
that is all.
That’s it. Hands down favorite writer of all time.