Monkeys No More?

March 2, 2009 • By Michael Larrick, The Breeze
Print This Post
Email This Post

House passes ban on chimp ownership

Everyone on this planet has certain goals they would like to achieve. We all have our dreams, and whether or not these dreams have an actual chance of being fulfilled, we still hold onto them. They keep you warm when the cold chill of life crawls up your spine, (like a maroon Snuggie). It’s a shame when we don’t fulfill these dreams due to laziness or pregnancy, but it hurts that much more when these dreams are snatched away from us by forces that we cannot control.

Last Tuesday, the U.S House of Representatives approved legislation that bans the interstate trade of apes and monkeys in the wake of a vicious attack by a chimp on a Connecticut woman (in all seriousness, nothing funny about that). This ban will ultimately dry the market and will prevent the sale or purchase of monkeys and apes, including orangutans and chimpanzees, as well as marmosets and lemurs. However, this will not affect zoos, researchers and disabled people who own trained monkeys.

What did I do to deserve this? I can no longer produce tears after crying for such a long period of time. It’s just like the U.S. government to urinate all over my hopes and aspirations in order to “protect” me. All I’ve ever wanted to do with my life is have a monkey. What am I going to do now? Get a job and start a family? That’s a life plan for losers. I just want a monkey; all the other facets of my life will just take care of themselves. Who cares if they’re five-to-seven times stronger than humans and can become extremely aggressive when frustrated or frightened? I can take a f***** monkey.

If you’ve been staying current with the news in the last couple of days, you would know that NASA is preparing to search for Earth-like planets in the closest parts of the Milky Way and the idea that they may find civilizations of intelligent life forms is not that far-fetched. If we do come in contact with aliens, we’re going to want to show them the advancements we’ve created as the human race. I severely doubt they’ll be impressed by the iPod Touch. They’re going to be light years ahead of us technologically, with spacecrafts beyond our imagination and advanced probing techniques. I think they’d be much more impressed by a monkey that I’ve put a Redskins jersey on and taught how to Crank dat Soulja Boy; think about it.

For all you “I-want-to-have-a-monkey-someday” enthusiasts, I’ve devised a logical argument that I believe will force the House to overturn their decision: remember evolution?

For those who are a little rusty on their origin theories, allow me to refresh your memory. First, the continents shifted and split in what we know today as the seven continents (commonly referred to as the Big Bang Theory). Then a lighting bolt struck the earth and created the dinosaurs. After that, Mark Wahlberg found the statue of the liberty in the middle of the beach. That was the space shuttle that the aliens, who we now call monkeys, used to fly to Earth from Pluto. The dinosaurs and monkeys attempted to coexist, but cultural differences proved too difficult to overcome. This resulted in a war of epic proportions between the dinosaurs and monkeys, which historians refer to as the War of 1812.

With the monkey race slaughtered and two monkeys left, it looked as if the dinosaurs would rule the Earth. But lo, a volcano erupted and burned all the dinosaurs alive, leaving the monkeys as the only beings left on earth, safe from harm high in the treetops. The radiation from the sun caused all their hair to fall out and swinging from trees elongated their bodies… yes, those two monkeys were Adam and Eve.

After the talking snake showed Eve a persuasive PowerPoint presentation on the benefits of eating the forbidden apple, they were banned from the Garden of Eden. They then procreated and had Charles Darwin, who eventually created the theories of natural selection and evolution. So there you go, U.S. House. How about them apples? We’re basically all monkeys, so what are you going to do now, ban babies?

At the end of the day, all I want is to have a pet monkey and cultivate a monkey-to-man relationship like the one Aladdin enjoyed. I already look like him, so I might as well get me a monkey and accept it.

Contact Michael Larrick at larricmh@jmu.edu

Filed Under Life