The Finals Countdown

April 30, 2009 • By Michael Larrick, The Breeze
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With the summer just around the corner, I should be far more excited than I currently am to be temporarily freed from the shackles of education. However, before we are liberated, we must endure the brain-rape that is finals week.

Your professors will tell you they employ finals to make sure you have successfully acquired all the information presented during the entirety of the semester and they are only attempting to benefit your progress in the professional world.

However, we all know that is some B.S. They just want you to completely hate yourself for the last couple of weeks and are punishing you because they’re jealous of your youth and vigor.

How dare professors expect us to remember things and not completely evacuate our brains of the information directly after being tested the first time around. This is America, and we only learn things because we have to.

I’m assuming most “responsible” students, who are probably strangers to the touch of the opposite sex, study over an extended period of time in order to properly manage the load. Or possibly they want to allow time to make some sort of creative cheat sheet on their upper thigh, which is obviously the sexiest way to cheat. However, what I like to do is wait until the day before the test to completely cram all of information into my skull until I cry blood.

I have a life, you know. Sometimes I have better things to do than keep up with my studies, like watch Space Jam or go on addictinggames.com and play Kitten Cannon, which is exactly what it sounds like. How can my professors be so selfish?

I don’t really have anything against the test themselves. I understand that teachers need a way to assess our performance or whatever, and doing well on a test that you studied hard for is fairly gratifying.

There are, though, certain aspects of tests that make me want to light myself on fire. I am a big fan of multiple-choice tests, mostly because they allow for the process of elimination and guessing, if you really have no idea. However, I hate the kind of multiple-choice tests where teachers try to confuse you and do something like this:

1) On a scale of 1 to banana, how awesome are Skittles?

A) bana

B) banan

C) banana!

D) A and B

E) A, C, and sometimes B

F) A and C if you’re Jewish

G) B and C if you’re on your period

At this point, I’m already immensely confused, and then I look at the last choice, which is “None of the Above.” Well, that’s cute; at one point, I thought it could be possible for all these answers to be correct but now all of them could be wrong? Do I get points off if I jam my pencil into my eye?

I, like all you normal people, will be holed up in the library, debating to throw my computer at those annoying, melanoma-scented orange girls who are talking with their outside voices in a f****** library and peering at the kids who took Adderall and are behaving like they just did some cocaine off a stripper, reading three books in five minutes.

Just remember, summer’s almost here, and soon enough, your parents will get on your nerves and you’ll be ready to come back to the delightful ’Burg, and then immediately want to leave as soon as classes start.

Contact Michael Larrick at larricmh@jmu.edu

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Comments

4 Responses to “The Finals Countdown”

tina on April 30th, 2009 2:01 am

i’m sitting in the ECL 24 hour lab writing a paper that’s due in 9 hours and considering writing another that’s due in 12 hours. some idiot had the nerve to write on the dry erase board “we can do it” and another idiot is having the nerve to play the guitar and sing….but this article is hilarious, i’m laughing out loud, and i couldn’t have read it at a better time…all too true!!!
Sally on April 30th, 2009 10:36 am

sigh
EE on April 30th, 2009 1:30 pm

hahaha

glorious
Ben on April 30th, 2009 4:11 pm

HAHA Well done Mikey! Very funny!

PS SpaceJam is the SHIIIIT SON!