Tips for a Thnxgiving Break Well-Spent
November 19, 2009 • By Michael Larrick, The Breeze
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Dining Halls Not Doing It for You? iPod broken? Let’s Put Things in Perspective.
Yes! Finally, my favorite celebration of the “discovery” and eventual takeover of America is here! Thanks for the agricultural tips Native Americans! This is the part where we take your land and eat and eat and eat in celebration! I would listen to your diatribe about the horrible things we did to the indigenous people if this turkey wasn’t making me so tired and the game wasn’t on. Enjoy your maize and the diseases we gave you!
And let me tell you, this weeklong break is right on time. I’ve been inundated with unnecessary pressure and the constant insistence that I attempt to “pass” my classes so I can find a good job after the joyful part of my life is over. I’m a journalism major. Do you think I was thinking about the future when I made that genius decision? Who reads newspapers anymore? I might as well have majored in cave drawings.
Some people find it hard to find things to do with this temporary abundance of leisurely time. Don’t worry; I got you covered.
Go to Your Old High School
I know what all you freshmen are thinking: “I’m so cool now because I’m in college! I’m going to visit all my fav teachers and interrupt their lesson plans so I can show them how much weight I’ve gained since June!”
Do not do this. Absolutely no good can come of it. You are a loser and going back to that godforsaken place is only going to ensure your former teachers that your unpopularity carried on to your higher education experience.
College is your opportunity to forget that everyone used to call you Garbage Can Greg and subsequently throw all their trash on your unstylish clothes, and then chant “take out the trash!” as they stuffed your virtually muscle-free body into a garbage can and rolled you down a hill. Grow up.
See All of Your Old Friends
This is probably my favorite part of break, but anytime you leave the house in your hometown, you’re bound to run into someone who has been absent from the last couple years of your life for a reason.
Most of the time, they haven’t left the nest quite yet, have made some poor tattoo placement decisions and keep trying to make small talk when all you want is for them to take your order. One break, I ran into a girl I went to high school with, and she insisted I talk to her instead of completely ignoring her (my original plan). She asked if I was going to school, and when I asked her the same question, she said no. I figured she’d have a job if she wasn’t going to school, so I said “Are you working?” She said no. I remembered this girl had been fairly dumb in my experiences with her, so I started to examine the phrasing of my question to figure out where she might have gotten confused. So I tried again: “I didn’t mean if you were working right this second, I meant in general.” That got the wheels turning! “Oh yeah, I work at a restaurant.” Did she really think I thought she was working at that very moment? She must have assumed I thought she was a prostitute, which apparently didn’t bother her much.
Reflect Upon What You’re Thankful For
Did you think I was going to make a joke here? Stop being so self-involved and take a moment to be grateful for all the wonderful gifts you’ve been blessed with.
I’m getting sick of people complaining how hard their lives are when it’s a beautiful thing just to wake up in the morning. So close your eyes and think about that for a while, because soon it will be all over, and then it will be Christmas, and Santa can bring you some tangible s— to be thankful for.
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good stuff michael. It’s not easy to get a chuckel out of me. Merry Thanksgiving!