Decade Reflections
January 14, 2010 • By Michael Larrick, The Breeze
Print This Post
Email This Post
I used to think the New Year was much ado about nothing. Maybe it was just me, but I didn’t believe celebrating the loss of the precious time we have left is appropriate behavior. I thought we should have focused all of our time and energy on creating a time machine rather than drinking champagne, kissing and watching the ball drop. We’re going to die someday, and all you all are doing is counting. The only thing you should be counting to is 1.21 gigawatts.
However, this year was different. Not only did we celebrate the conclusion of a year, but a decade. I have nothing against the ’90s but I don’t remember them too much, except for Sega and Ace of Base, so this decade was a big deal for me. Here are some of my favorite and not so favorite parts of the decade.
Puberty/Middle School
What a horrible and awkward way to start a decade, but you have to start somewhere. All these new and upsetting things were happening to my body and all of a sudden, it was a serious risk to wear khakis or athletic shorts to public places.
I had f—— highlights. I’m not embarrassed about it. I spiked my hair right in the front like every boy did in the middle school age and made the braces work. We all started “dating” around this time, with relationships lasting in the one to two weeks range. You’d go in large groups to see terrible but long movies like “Pearl Harbor” so you could make out with your boyfriend/girlfriend with an uncomfortable amount of tongue; my mom will drive if your mom will pick us up.
The best part about middle school was sex education. We were learning about the most mature of subjects in our most immature state, which made it hilarious. My friends and I would always get kicked out of class for comparing the female reproductive system diagram to things like the Texas Longhorns logo…or Jar Jar Binks.
Social Networking
It sucks getting older, but I feel bad for kids these days. When you’re young, you’re inevitably going to have an extremely embarrassing moment happen in front of a good amount of your peers, and they’re going to laugh right in your face, and it’s going to make you want to die. In this day and age, some kid will probably record that moment with a video cell phone, Tweet about it, put it on YouTube and the girl you like will comment on it, saying “he i5 s00 wetoddid!!” Then you’ll be tagged in the video on Facebook, and since you’re supercool parents have a Facebook and insist you be their friend, they’ll see it and stop feeding you out of shame.
Shows Set in Hospitals
I hate hospitals. The staff always gets touchy and tries to tell you the morphine is only for patients. And for whatever reason, there have been 5 million shows set in them. There’s probably one on right now. And they just don’t stop making new ones. Writers are pitching ideas for a new drama/comedy series set in a hospital as we speak, and an executive is saying “you know, that kind of sounds like ‘E.R.,’ ‘Scrubs,’ ‘House,’ ‘Hawthorne,’ ‘General Hospital,’ ‘Chicago Hope,’ ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and ‘Doogie Howser, M.D.,’ but let’s give it a shot.”
The Devolution of the Music Industry
When people give me iTunes cards for Christmas, I burn it right in front of their face. What am I going to do with this? Buy music? How about we start paying to breathe and smile. I understand that it’s stealing from the artists who put their heart and soul into their work, but I don’t give a s—.
Music also lost one of its most iconic figures, Michael Jackson. When tragedy struck, people put aside the fact that they continually accused him of child molestation and relentlessly bashed him for his unfortunate appearance. It was really a beautiful moment.
With the music industry struggling to stay a float, musical geniuses like Lil’ Wayne rose to the occasion to show that people would actually pay money for music occasionally. A lot of people don’t like Lil’ Wayne because he says he’s the best rapper alive and they believe he’s too cocky, but I think you need to chill out, because he is the best rapper alive. Let me just give you a sample lyric from his debut effort, “Tha Carter 2”:
“I see she wearin’ them jeans that show her butt crack, my girls can’t wear that, why? that’s where my stash’s at.”
On the surface, that seems extremely misogynistic and unsanitary, but I think you need to look a little deeper: that’s love. You don’t just put your stash in anybody’s butt crack. That’s a special bond between two souls that I hope every one of you finds some day. If I ever find a girl like that, you know what else will be in her butt crack? My heart.
So I offer a toast: I hope the next ten years of your life will be as wonderful as the previous decade, but they probably won’t be, because most of you will be around 30 the next time around and your best times will have surely passed you by, so drink up. Cheers.
Michael Larrick is a senior media arts & design major and a humor columnist at The Breeze.
Contact Michael Larrick at larricmh@jmu.edu
Comments
Got something to say?
Check Out New Videos!
March 4, 2010 Issue in Print
2010 Baseball & Softball Guide
